I got robbed today and called the police.
The cop asked if I had a description of the assailant.
I said, “Yeah, it’s pump number 5.”
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Pump number 5
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Big steps
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
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Hold the Ladder: Last Words of Wisdom
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
“Are you still holding the ladder?” -
Blindfolded Style: Can’t See the Fashion!
I just bought a new blindfold, but I can’t see myself wearing it.
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Extra Mile: Grandad’s Wisdom, Hilarious Outcomes
Like my Grandad always says, go the extra mile in every job that you do.
Lovely man, terrible train driver -
Behind Bars: The Tale of Police Seats
What’s black and always in the back of a police car?
The seats. -
Locating Legless Horses: A Clever Joke
Where can you find a horse with no legs?
Wherever you left it. -
Half a Worm: The Ultimate Disappointment!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm. -
Eyes Wide Open: A Unique Surgery Success
Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.
He still looks a little cockeyed though.
