Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside and says, “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
And the secretary says, “My lawyer.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple.
Confused, the man says, “Bartender, I would like the drink.” The bartender shakes his head no and says, “Just eat the apple.”
The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says, “Wow, this tastes like vodka!” and the bartender says, “Turn it around.” So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite and says, “This side tastes like orange juice!” and he walks away eating the rest of the apple.
A few minutes later he asks the bartender for another drink. “I would like a Mimosa,” he says. The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. Tired of apples, the man asks for the drink again and the bartender refuses and tells him to just eat the apple. He takes a bite and again to his surprise the apple tastes like champagne. “Wow, this is a cool trick!” The bartender again tells the man, “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around, takes another bite and again it’s orange juice!
A few minutes go by and the man approaches the bar heavy in thought. He says to the bartender, “You know, if we can make these apples taste like pussy we could be rich!” The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. “No way!” says the man as he mouth-wateringly takes a huge bite out of the apple. Almost immediately he spits apple chunks everywhere and on the verge of vomiting he yells at the bartender, “This apple tastes like SHIT!”
And so the bartender said, “Turn it around.”
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”
The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”
The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”
“It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”
“Would he sleep in our bed?”
“It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”
“Would he use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”
A guy walks into a bar.
He sits down at the counter and orders himself a beer. As he’s drinking it, he starts looking around the barroom. He sees the tables, the dance floor, the wall pictures, and other typical bar stuff, but something feels a bit off to him about this place. He takes another quick look around at all of the women dancing, chatting, and having a good time. Then it finally dawns on him.
This lesbian bar had no fire exits.
A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.
“Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The wife went first.
“I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”
Poof!
Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband’s turn.
He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,
“This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”
The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.
The fairy waved her wand.
Poof!
Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.
A prostitute says to a guy, “Hey baby, looking for a good time?” The guy asks, “How much?” She says, “$500.” He agrees.
They go back to a hotel room, where he immediately heads for the bathroom.
After waiting for a few minutes she goes to check on him, and finds him furiously jerking off.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want to have sex?”
And the guy says, “For $500, do you think I’m gonna let you get the easy one?”
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.
Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.
Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.
Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.
“What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.
“Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”
