Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two police officers stood beside a man who was bitterly crying.
“Wow,” said one police officer, “he must have really loved that car.”
“Not really,” said the other police officer. “It was five years old but fully insured. He’s crying because he just filled his gas tank.”
A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.
Outside, he hung a sign:
TREATMENT: $20
IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK
A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”
He walked in.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”
The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”
Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”
Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”
Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”
The lawyer looks at the bill.
“Hey… this is only $20!”
Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
“Having too much sex can cause memory loss.” I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm.
“Man buys product that promised to enlarge his penis and gets a magnifying glass”
Homem compra produto que prometia aumentar pênis e recebe lupa
PROCON Campina
PREFEITURA MUNICIPAL DE CAMPINA SECRETARIA MUNICIPAL DE ASSUNTOS JURÍDICOS Departamento de Proteção ao Consumidor
disque 151 www.procon.campina.sp.gov.br
A man goes to school to have a meeting with his son’s teachers. He walks into the first classroom and says, “Hello, I’m Giotto’s father. Please excuse me if I sound a bit strange, but I burned my tongue yesterday.”
The teacher sighs and says, “Look, we really needed to talk to you. Your son is struggling. He doesn’t know his times tables, he doesn’t know the American states… he doesn’t even know which state he’s in right now! You really need to have a talk with him.”
“I’m so sorry,” the father replies. “I’ll speak with him tonight. But again, please forgive my speech; I really scorched my tongue.”
He then moves on to the art teacher’s office. “Hello, I’m Giotto’s father. Please excuse my voice, I burned my tongue yesterday.”
The art teacher beams. “Oh, don’t worry about that! I have to tell you, your son is a prodigy. He’s incredible! Just yesterday, he drew a basket of fruit so realistically that all the other children gathered around trying to pick a piece to eat!”
The father nods and says, “I know, I know… yesterday he drew a vagina on the stove.”
Water ← 1 mile
Water 1 kilometer →
Americans 2 Sep at 12:05
But the Americans are right. A mile is less then a kilometre. (1 mile = 1,6 Kilometre)
boredpanda.com
A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.
One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.
Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.
“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”
The doubles collectively sigh with relief.
Then a big man with an axe enters the room.
“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”
I thought I was invisible, so I went to the doctor…
…unfortunately, he couldn’t see me.
