Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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This Is Going to Be Loud
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”
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Scaring the Kids
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
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The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
17. The Leggo Movie: Emmett’s new career has him tackling the adventurous world of frozen waffles.
16. Ei8ht: John Doe has escaped from jail and this Christmas will embody ALL the deadly sins unless Detectives Mills and Somerset can stop him before he murders Santa’s reindeer.
15. Three Angry Alternates: Tempers rise after Jack, Bill and Ted are told that since they were not seated on the jury, they won’t be paid.
14. Finding Bevo: The beloved University of Texas Longhorn Mascot vanishes at the stadium while his handlers are doing Jell-O shots.
13. Aunt-Man: Paul Rudd becomes a superhero for the second time when he’s bitten by his mom’s radioactive sister.
12. Bridget Jones’s Colonoscopy: For those who can’t get enough of Renee Zellweger, this oughtta do it.
11. Anti-Gravity: With the 2016 presidential election spinning out of control, Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) frantically tries to escape back into space.
10. Every Which Way But Loose Change: Clint Eastwood investigates 9/11 with the help of an empty chair and a monkey.
9. Jaws 5: A large man-eating shark water skis over a pool of sharks.
8. Groundhog Dayja Vu: Now that he’s been married a while, weatherman Phil Connors is horrified when day after day, he wakes up every morning to find the same woman in his bed.
7. Given: Liam Neeson gives exactly zero shits when kidnappers tell him they have his former mother-in-law, but he’s still totally badass about it.
6. The Avatar 3: Blue Man Group: Three Na’vi move to Earth, where the atmosphere renders them mute and they’re forced to earn a living as mimes.
5. Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue: During election season, a scandal-plagued woman is locked in a TV studio for 90 minutes with an orange-skinned madman as they struggle for control of a mansion in Washington.
4. Leonard Part 7: Prominent women are mysteriously falling into comas and private dick Bill Cosby is on the case.
3. The Waterboard Boy: After being mistaken for a terrorist, Adam Sandler is sent to Guantanamo Bay and brutally tortured to the delight of audiences everywhere.
2. Lawrence of Arabica: While writing his screenplay at Starbucks, Larry falls asleep at his typewriter and dreams he’s on an adventure in the Arabian Desert, only to be awakened by a rude barista telling him his snoring is annoying.
And the Number One Idea for a Movie Sequel…
1. Sully 2: Payback on the Hudson: Geese seek revenge against the cowardly pilot who brutally attacked their flock with his flying death machine.
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The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails
The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails
16. Mudslinger
15. Non-Consensual Sex on the Beach
14. Pina Clintada: coconut, pineapple, and $250K for access to the bartender
13. Orange Whine Cooler
12. The Jill Beer Stein: a “germ”-in beer stein filled with penicillin
11. Slow Uncomfortable Grope Against the Wall
10. Mai-Tais to Wall Street
9. The Greatest: just toilet water, but believe me, everyone is saying it will be beautiful, the best cocktail you ever tasted
8. BenghaZima
7. The Gary Johnson: you’ll forget your troubles, foreign leaders, war zones…
6. Margarita (that Mexico will pay for!)
5. The Campaign Promise: an empty glass
4. White Russian Who Got a Meeting With the Secretary of State Because He Contributed to Her Foundation
3. Bloody Megyn
2. Screwedover: orange juice with lots of bitters
And the Number One Election Day Cocktail…
1. Pervy Wallbuilder
