Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Hey Yall Hold My Beer and Watch This

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, S—!”

    Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

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  • Arkansas Vasectomy

    After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Arky said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

    So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

    Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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  • 45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes

    We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

    Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
    A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
    A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

    Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
    A: Spits out the feathers.

    Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme.

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  • Taken the Edge Off My Appetite

    A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

    “Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”

    He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

    Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

    Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    “Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

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  • $600 a Week and a Third Interest in the Pharmacy

    One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

    “I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.

    “Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.

    “Young man,” the lady said to him, “My sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?”

    “Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?”

    “I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back.

    “Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

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  • Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger

    A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

    The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

    “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”

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  • The Band or the Football Team

    The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

    “All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

    Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

    “I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

    “Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

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  • Wouldnt I Wooden Eye

    There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.

    He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

    This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

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  • Pass Me the Vaseline

    Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

    The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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