Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Prince Charming’s Pumpkin Problem

    Prince Charming gets very drunk at the ball and ends up staggering out of the palace and into the Royal Vegetable Garden. When the Queen realizes that he’s missing, she sends all the palace guards out in search of her son.

    In just minutes, the head guard finds the errant prince having a jolly good time thrusting his royal dick into a hole in the side of a large, ripe pumpkin.

    “Prince Charming!” cries the guard. “Forgive me for interrupting, but… Do you realize you’re fucking a pumpkin?”

    The prince stops what he’s doing and pulls back to examine the violated pumpkin.

    “Oh, my,” says the drunken prince. “Is it midnight already?”

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  • Bachelor Party Disaster Meets Perfect Comeback

    A guy’s getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn’t know what to do.

    He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them alongside his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married.

    Here they are in their honeymoon suite… she walks out stark naked… She says, “Look, honey. Untouched by human hands.”

    He’s gotta think quick… He pulls down his pants and says, “Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate.”

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  • Potential vs. Reality: A Million Dollar Lesson

    A son asked his father: “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” (a question he was asked at school)

    His father replied: “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    The son did this and returned that his mother would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. His father said: “Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars.”

    The son did this and later replied: “Sis said that she too would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    His father then said: “Go ask your brother if he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    The son, getting rather irritated, did this. He returned and said: “Ivor also said that he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. I am getting tired of asking people if they will sleep with the milkman. Please tell me, what’s the difference between potential and reality?”

    His father looked at him and said: “This family has the potential to make $3,000,000, but the reality is that we have two sluts and a homo in the family.” That’s the difference!

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  • Be a Pet Fish

    I think it would be great to be a pet fish, except for that part where they taste their floating poop to see if it’s food.

  • Hold On for Eight Seconds

    Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?

    Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip.

    Then you say, “Honey, you’re the worst piece of ass I ever had!”

    Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

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  • Dating the Anatomically Disproportionate Guy

    “The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist,” reported the girl.

    “You mean literally–whips and that sort of thing?” asked her roommate.

    “Worse than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!”

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  • Computer Safety: A Gentleman’s Guide

    1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

    2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.

    3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).

    4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.

    5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

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  • Birds and Bees: A Comedy of Misunderstandings

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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  • Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection

    Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
    A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
    A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

    Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
    A: They have shaky hands!

    Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
    A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
    A: An armadildo.

    Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
    A: Come in eight flavors.

    Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
    A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
    A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

    Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

    Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
    A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

    Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
    A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A: In case you miss.

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