Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Car Brand Acronym Insults and Jokes

    AUDI
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

    BMW
    Be My Wife
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Break My Windows
    Brutal Money Waster
    Business, Money and Woman

    BUICK
    Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

    CHEVROLET
    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE
    Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

    FIAT
    Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix It Again, Tony!

    FORD
    backwards –. Driver Returns On Foot
    Fault Of R & D
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
    First On Recall Day
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Found On Russian Dump

    GM
    General Maintenance

    GMC
    Garage Man’s Companion
    Got a Mechanic Coming?

    HONDA
    Had One Never Did Again
    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

    HYUNDAI
    Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive . . .

    MAZDA
    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

    OLDSMOBILE
    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

    PROTON
    Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.

    SAAB
    Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

    TOYOTA
    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO
    Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjecT

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  • Removing It From the Church

    What’s the hardest part of being an organ donor?

    Removing it from the church.

  • Holiday Traditions We Actually Need Most

    The Top 12 Holiday Traditions We Desperately Need

    12. Christmas Card Photoshop Day, thus rendering the family as semi-presentable to the general public.

    11. “Touched by an Angel” coulda made us a Hanukah special, I’m just sayin’.

    10. Being able to punch people who brag about being done with holiday shopping before December 20th.

    9. Family gathered around the Yuletide table, together agreeing, “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ SUCKED.”

    8. Making Yule logs out of compressed and dried members of your Congressional delegation.

    7. To save time, movie theater concession stands will serve Chinese food.

    6. Egg nog car wash.

    5. We really should call that “footballey-eatey” day before Black Friday something special.

    4. Christmas bramble-themed decorating where all the tangled lights can just be dumped on the front lawn.

    3. Living Nativity entirely comprised of chimpanzees.

    2. A red Christmas ball gag for that loud, annoying relative who just won’t shut up about the President’s birth certificate.

    And the Number One Holiday Tradition We Desperately Need…

    1. Mistletoe is for kissing. So let’s raise the stakes a little under the “Cameltoe.”

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  • Really Useful IRS Website

    If the IRS wanted to put something really useful on their website, how about a list of countries that don’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?

  • Dick Lick Springs

    Dick Lick Springs

    DICK LICK SPRINGS 13

    geeTrish.com

  • Alive With the Sound of Muzak

    Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.

  • Firing My Slingshot at Target

    The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!

  • Rejecting Your Rejection: A Polite Reversal

    Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You

    [Date Today]

    Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

    Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

    Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

    Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

    Sincerely,

    [Your Name]

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  • Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed

    Interoffice Memo

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

    OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.

    You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?

    Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:

    Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.

    It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.

    What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:

    Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.

    Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.

    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?

    Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?

    He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.

    Eat shit. | You don’t say?

    Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?

    Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?

    What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?

    Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?

    Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

    Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.

    This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.

    Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?

    Blow me. | I see.

    Blow yourself. | Do you see?

    Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.

    I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.

    He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.

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  • Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping

    If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
    “I was working smarter – not harder.”
    “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
    “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
    “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
    “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
    “I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
    “I’m in the management training program.”
    “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
    “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
    “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
    “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
    “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
    “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
    “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
    “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
    “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
    “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

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