Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My neighbor Ned cornered me in the driveway and grinned like a maniac.
“Oi, come over Saturday night, mate. It’s gonna be mental — bit of drinking, bit of fighting, bit of fucking!”
I lit up. “Hell yeah! What time?”
Ned shrugged, still smiling.
“Don’t matter. It’ll just be you and me.”
Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”
The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.
“If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”
“No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”
“Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.
“Who were these people?” Sam asked.
“The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”
“Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”
“Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.
“Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”
“Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.
The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.
When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”
The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”
