Tone: Playful

Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Word Is Sternum

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

    “We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

  • Anything Sweet in There

    I hobbled into the pharmacy and caught the attention of the young man behind the counter.

    “I need to speak with whoever’s in charge today,” I told him.

    While he went to fetch someone, I quietly set a small glass jar and a teaspoon on the counter and waited patiently.

    The pharmacist appeared — all professional and polished — and clasped his hands together. “What can I do for you today, ma’am?”

    I pushed the jar and spoon toward him and said, “I hate to be a bother, but would you be a dear and taste this for me? My arthritis makes it hard to tell if things taste right anymore.”

    He looked at the jar. Then at me. Then back at the jar.

    I gave him my most helpless grandmother smile. That did it.

    He sighed, dipped the spoon in, and took a small taste.

    The reaction was immediate. His face went through about six different colors before he lunged for the trash can, sputtering and gagging like a cat with a hairball.

    I waited for him to compose himself.

    “Well?” I asked pleasantly. “Anything sweet in there?”

    He wheezed, eyes watering. “Absolutely NOT. That’s the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life.”

    I snapped my purse shut and nodded with satisfaction.

    “Perfect. My doctor told me to bring a urine sample to the pharmacy and have someone check it for sugar.”

  • Tooth Hurty AM

    Dentist: “You need to—”

    Me: “I need to floss more.”

    Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”

    Me…

    Dentist…

    Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”

  • But I Like How Youre Thinking

    Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.

    So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

    Johnny says, “None.”

    The teacher asks, “Why?”

    Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”

    The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

    Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”

    The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”

    Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”

  • Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy

    A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.

    The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.

    The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

    When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”

    The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

  • Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream

    Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”

    “It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.

    “What does it do?” Mick asks.

    “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.

    Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.

    “What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.

    “It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.

    “Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.

    Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”