[Walks into bookstore]
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
Tone: Playful
Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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One for the Road
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says to the bartender, “Two beers please. One for me, and one for the road.”
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No Words to Describe How Angry I Am
I recently ordered a thesaurus online and when it arrived it was blank. I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.
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The Wurst Is Yet to Come
I ordered some German food from DoorDash. The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
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Good Buoy
I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.
He’s a very good buoy.
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Everywhere I Touch
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
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Can I Come Over
I was in Walmart using the restroom when, just as I closed the stall door, a voice from the next stall said:
“Hey! How’s it going over there?”
Embarrassed, I replied, “Not bad, thanks.”
The voice asked, “Cool. What are you up to?”
I said, “Umm… just trying to take care of a little private business over here.”
Then the voice asked, “Alright. Can I come over?”
Shocked, I replied, “Excuse me?!”
Then I heard, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.”
I stayed in the stall until he left.
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The Lawn Guy
I had to fire the guy who mows my lawn.
He just wasn’t cutting it.
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The Butcher’s Accident
Did you hear about the butcher who fell backwards into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
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She Was a Mathmachicken
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathmachicken.
