Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it’s right up there!
Tone: Playful
Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Hung Like a Horse
This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.
A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.
The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.
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A Solid 10 But Also Imaginary
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
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Do You Have a Weedeater
Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”
Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.
The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”
Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.
“Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.
The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.
“Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.
The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.
The redneck was starting to catch on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.
The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.
“Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.
“Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”
Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”
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Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”
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It’s Hard to Say
I told my wife I absolutely love Worcestershire sauce.
She asked what’s so special about it.
“It’s hard to say,” I answered.
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Vanished Without a Tres
I recently attended a magic show in Mexico…
The magician said, “Uno, dos,” and then vanished without a tres.
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The Big Ass Grill
A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.
He’s feeling a bit mischievous and says, “You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s starting to look like that BBQ grill over there.”
The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, surprised.
She replies, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
