Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Open Mike Night

    I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!

    It’s “Open Mike Night”!

  • Superman, You’re a Real Asshole When You’ve Been Drinking

    On the 110th floor of the Empire State Building, there’s a bar. It has windows all around the floor so you can see everywhere. A guy walks into the bar one day and notices another guy sitting down at the end of the bar. The barkeeper hands the guy a big bubbling, gurgling, fizzy green drink. The guy drinks it down in a single gulp, looks over at everyone and says, “You know, the wind currents are so strong up here you can just hop out and fly around.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Another guy at the bar looks at him and says, “No way, you’re so full of shit!”

    So the man walks over to the window, opens it, then hops out. He flies around the entire building a couple times, then comes back in, closes the window, and sits back down at the bar.

    The other guy says, “Damn, that must be a helluva drink.” So he orders one. The barkeeper hands him the same drink the other guy had, and he downs it in a single gulp. Then he walks over to the window, opens it, looks back at the other guy that did it and says, “Yeah man, I don’t know about this.”

    The guy that did it already looks him in the eyes and tells him, “Don’t be a pussy!”

    So he steps outside and falls 110 stories to his death. The barkeeper turns to the guy and says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’ve been drinking.”

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  • Beat Me Half to Death

    A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.

    The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”

    The guy thinks for a second and says, “Alright. For my first wish, I want a million-dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.”

    The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. And your ex-wife now has a two-million-dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.”

    The guy shakes his head but says, “Okay. For my second wish, I want you to give my ex-wife half of everything I have.”

    The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. “Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.”

    The guy smiles. “Perfect.”

    The genie says, “Alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.”

    The guy takes a breath and says, “Fine. I want you to beat me half to death.”

    The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.

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  • No Place to Park

    I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants…

    …but I had to quit. There was no place to park.

  • Tough Shit

    A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives.

    Man: “One box of laxatives, please?”

    Pharmacist: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of stock.”

    Man: “What, again?! How does this keep happening?! I’m desperate for some relief!”

    Pharmacist: “Well, that’s tough shit, I’m afraid.”

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  • The Ladies’ Tee Box

    A guy is golfing at an upscale course and goes to hit the ball from the red tees. A staff member is driving by in his cart and grabs a megaphone: “Will the gentleman on hole four please move his ball back to the white markers, and not hit from the ladies’ tee box?”

    The guy yells back, “Will the guy in the golf cart please shut the fuck up so I can take my second shot?”

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  • Pretty Good Footage

    My cellphone accidentally took a 10-minute video of my shoes yesterday…

    It was some pretty good footage.

  • Pick It Up Along the Way

    Do you have to have any special training to be a garbage man, or do you just pick it up along the way?

  • Goldilocks Was Lazy

    If you ever think you’re lazy, just remember…

    Goldilocks decided to take a nap in the middle of a burglary…

  • An Edison

    What do you call a stolen Tesla?

    An Edison.