Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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What Do You Think That Bull Was Slipping In
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pard.”
“Oh yeah, what happened?”
“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. Damn near got me!”
“So, how’d you get away?”
“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make the fence and jump over.”
“Man, that’s scary. If it’d been me, I’d probably have shit all over the place.”
“What do you think that bull was slipping in?”
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It Is Your Cow
Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”
“Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”
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Baaaaaaa
Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Bubba recalled.
“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”
“Baaaaaaa.”
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A Good Sheepll Do That
Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.
The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: “Well, I was walkin’ along, and saw this sheep just’a eatin’ grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.”
“And then what?” asked the prosecutor.
“Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.”
“And what happened after that?”
“Well,” said the witness, “they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an’ licked him!”
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, “You know… a good sheep’ll do that.”
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One at a Time Boys
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys…..one at a time.”
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Eats Shoots and Leaves
A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”
Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.
The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.
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I Have a Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
