Did you hear about the dog who was floating in the ocean?
He was a good buoy…
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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He was a good buoy
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Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm
A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.
Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.
The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”
So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”
So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”
So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.
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Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!
The Drums, the Drums!
Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.
The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.
The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.
The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.
Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,
“Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”
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Furry Trouble in the Forest!
A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.
The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”
So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.
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Things started to go sideways
Everything was fine until the crabs arrived.
That’s when things started to go sideways.
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Parrot Knows the Trick of the Cruise!
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship.
He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was continually changing, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most of his time out on the promenade deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day, the captain bought a parrot and, over the months, brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks—where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act.
The bird would say, “The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe…”
Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.”
To put it mildly, he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the captain’s, he couldn’t do anything about it.
Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log—his arch-nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days, and neither said a word, just glared.
On the fourth day, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
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Desert Desires: The Camel Conundrum
A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.
Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.
The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.
“Anything?” asks the man.
“Anything you want,” they reply.
The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”
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Overachieving Rooster’s Wild Barnyard Adventures
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.
The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.
Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”
The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”
