Quilt In a Day®
Still Stripping After 25 Years
Eleanor Burns
Quilt In a Day!
’78 ’03 25th Anniversary
Topic: daily life
Daily life jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Over Here on the Swing
A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.
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Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I’m as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.
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More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem
You fall off the floor quite often.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.
You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.
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Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
“Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bob Dole starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.
Vampires get woozy after biting you.
The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
When vomiting becomes a relief.
Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.
Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
Take me drunk, I’m home!
The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!
You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
The whisky ain’t working anymore.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
I’m as jober as a sudge!
You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.
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Got a Dog Named Chunks
A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”
Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”
Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”
Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”
Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”
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’Cause You’re Ugly
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, “You must be single.”
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”
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Signs You Have a Drinking Problem
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every person you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — to heck with dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense….
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)
At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is … uh …”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”
The shrubbery’s drunk too — from frequent watering.
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14 Dollars of Soda
vivivictoria: hey gang im ordering 14 dollars worth of soda and nothing else from my local dominos
im thorsty
vivivictoria: He better not fucking have
YOUR ORDER IS IN THE OVEN – Majkiiwis put your order in the oven at 2:47 PM.
