I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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My Best Friend In Bed
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!
She was stroking him, and he was licking her!
I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.
I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:
“Bad dog! BAD dog!”
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Husbands, if your wife does something wrong
Husbands, if your wife does something wrong, just explain to her how your mom did it.
She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as she did.
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When it comes to being a good father for my daughters, I have three unwritten rules
When it comes to being a good father for my daughters, I have three unwritten rules:
1)
2)
3)
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Two Brothers in the Kitchen
Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide they are old enough to start trying some bad words. They head downstairs to their mum waiting in the kitchen.
The oldest says to her, “Hey bitch, get me some Cheerios.” Before he could blink, his mother slaps him across the head and shouts, “What did you say to me?! Go to your room right now and don’t come out!”
She puts on her best mum smile and turns to the youngest. “Now… What would you like for breakfast this morning?”
“I dunno, but it sure as fuck ain’t Cheerios!”
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Little Johnny in the Park
Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”
“Son, they’re making a puppy.”
That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.
“Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”
“Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”
“Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”
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Out with Grandmother
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” asked Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”
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Little Johnny’s Parents at School
Little Johnny’s parents come to the school to pick him up.
They go to the first floor. There is a door with a sign saying “Wonderful kids.” They look inside. Little Johnny isn’t there.
They go up to the second floor. There is a door with a sign saying “Good kids.” They check. Once again, Little Johnny isn’t there.
They go to the third floor. The sign says “Okay kids.” They open the door. Once again, no Little Johnny.
Floor number four. It says “Problematic kids.” No Little Johnny.
On floor number five, it says “Bad kids.” That one, too, doesn’t have Little Johnny.
Floor number six, a sign saying “Nightmare kids.” Horrified, the parents go inside… Still, no Little Johnny.
Finally, they go to the last floor, number seven.
A door.
The sign says “Little Johnny.”
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Three Mothers Boasting
Three mothers are boasting about what their babies will be when they grow up.
The first says, “Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!”
The second says, “Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!”
The third says, “Mine will be President. He’s just shit himself!”
