Topic: food

Food jokes, snack memes, kitchen crimes, restaurant disasters, and edible nonsense for people who laugh first and check expiration dates later.

  • A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look, and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.

    The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

    The man says, “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office, so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV, then get ready for bed.”

    The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”

    The man says, “Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos.”

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  • Ordering Coffee

    So a guy with a stutter is very self-conscious about it, and decides he’ll practice and practice so he can order a coffee without stuttering. “C-c-coffee, p-p-lease!” he keeps repeating. “C-coffee, p-please.”

    After a couple weeks of practice he nails the phrase, goes to the café, and, wearing his best suit and a smug expression, he says to the barista, “I’ll have a coffee, please!”

    The barista nods and says, “Cream, sugar, or black?”

    And the guy says, “F-F-FUCK YOU!!”

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  • Two Brothers in the Kitchen

    Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide they are old enough to start trying some bad words. They head downstairs to their mum waiting in the kitchen.

    The oldest says to her, “Hey bitch, get me some Cheerios.” Before he could blink, his mother slaps him across the head and shouts, “What did you say to me?! Go to your room right now and don’t come out!”

    She puts on her best mum smile and turns to the youngest. “Now… What would you like for breakfast this morning?”

    “I dunno, but it sure as fuck ain’t Cheerios!”

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  • Chili at the West Texas Cafe

    A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

    After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, “If you ain’t goin’ to eat that, do ya mind if I do?”

    The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, “Nah. Go ahead.”

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too…”

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  • When you’re about to eat Mexican food

    When you’re about to eat Mexican food

    When you’re about to eat Mexican food and you know somebody else will clean your ass

  • The Teaspoon

    The invention of the teaspoon caused quite a stir.

  • Make America Grate Again

    Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.

  • Before the Crowbar Was Invented

    Before the crowbar was invented, I bet that crows used to just drink at home.

  • The Only Food That Can Make You Cry

    My cousin was going on and on about how an onion is the only food that can make you cry without eating it. So I hit him in the face with a coconut.

  • When my manager said I can be really irritating

    Turns out when my manager said that “You can be really irritating at work sometimes” that wasn’t them giving me permission…..