Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.
Topic: politics
Political jokes, public meltdowns, campaign nonsense, and democracy having a day from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Teaching Democracy
Last night, I taught my kids about democracy by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
Then I picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.
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Too Much History Between Us
I was at the museum, and I suddenly saw my ex on the other side of the exhibition hall. I didn’t go and say hello though.
There was too much history between us.
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It’s Pronounced Quiche
When Trump was still infesting the White House the first time around, he and Mike Pence were having breakfast.
The waitress asked Pence what he wanted and he replied, “I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”
“And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” asked the waitress.
Trump replied with his trademark lecherous leer, “How about a quickie this morning?”
“Mr. President!” the waitress exclaimed. “How rude!” And she stormed away.
Pence leaned over to Trump and whispered, “Mr. President, it’s pronounced quiche.”
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The Squire of the High Pot and Noose
A perfectly triangular lake has three kingdoms along its three sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.
The second kingdom is more humble, but still enjoys its fair share of wealth and influence.
The third kingdom is poor and struggling, with barely enough resources to maintain an army.
Eventually, the three kingdoms go to war over control of the lake, which has become a valuable resource.
The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armor money can buy, each accompanied by a personal squire.
The second kingdom sends 50 knights, equipped with fine leather armor and supported by several dozen squires of their own.
The third kingdom can only send a single knight — an elderly warrior long past his prime — along with his faithful squire.
The night before the great battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and celebrate late into the night.
The knights of the second kingdom aren’t quite as wealthy, but they still have enough grog to keep the festivities going well into the evening.
In the third camp, things are much quieter. The squire takes a rope and throws it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose. He hangs a cooking pot from it, fills it with stew, and shares a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, disaster strikes. The knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight. The old knight from the third kingdom is simply too old and weary to rise from his bed.
So instead, the squires from all three kingdoms march into battle.
The fighting lasts all day and well into the night. When the dust finally settles, only one squire remains standing: the squire from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that: The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)
The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)
13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.
12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.
11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”
10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?
9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.
8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”
7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”
6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”
5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.
4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.
3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”
2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.
1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”
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Muslim Band And Mexican Mall
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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Putin’s Driver and the Pig
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
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The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”
