When she’s getting ready to show you the advantages of dating an older woman…
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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I Can Tell By the Voice
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies
The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”
16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners
15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)
14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position
13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps
11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People
10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow
9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!
8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing
7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester
6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass
5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions
4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?
3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!
2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory
1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure
The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure
16. Two words: Crying Game
15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.
14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?
13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.
12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.
11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.
10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.
9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.
8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.
7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.
6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.
5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.
4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.
3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.
2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing
1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.
