Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • A Dildo in the Dark

    A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

    One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

    She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”

    The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”

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  • Candy And Flowers

    Candy And Flowers

    Candy and flowers! Now who’s fucking unromantic???

  • Dentist Appointment Comeback

    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

    The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

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  • Misunderstanding at the Beach

    Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

    “Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”

    “Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.

    Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”

    The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.

    Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”

    With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.

    As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

    The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”

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  • Horses Making Love: Farm Education Lesson

    There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

    He says “They’re making love.”

    “Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asks.

    “Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.

    “Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.

    He says “Those are his knots.”

    She says, “Oh, OK I got it.”

    As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

    Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

    “Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

    The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”

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  • Doctor’s Wife Sets Straight Woman’s Misconceptions

    At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

    At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”

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  • $50 Every Time

    My current girlfriend loves to give blowjobs. Then again, so would I if I got $50 every time I did it.

  • Number One

    Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.

  • Flavored Condom Taste Test Gone Wrong

    I recently tried some of these new ‘flavoured’ condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time I got a shag.

    My girlfriend likes to lick each one before I insert it in her, just to see what flavour I was wearing.

    The first night she said “Mmmmm, Cherry flavour”,
    The second night she said “Mmmmm, Mint flavour”,
    The third night she said “Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour”,
    and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
    and she said “Mmmmm, Cheese flavour”

    “Cheese flavour ??” I said “I haven’t put one on yet!”

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  • Dogs Chase Cars

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.