Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
A husband is talking to his friend about the vacation he and his wife just got back from.
“Hoh, you should have seen this place, it was absolutely gorgeous!” the husband says.
“Where did you go?” the friend asks.
“Well… it had this beautiful beach just outside the hotel, the sand was almost bright white!”
“But what was the place called?”
“Umm… it had a huge swimming pool, and a spa and everything.”
“Yes, but what was the name of the place?”
“Hang on, it’s at the tip of my tongue… something flowery. Name a flower.”
“Rose?”
“No, not rose… something else.”
“Tulip?”
“No, keep going.”
“Lily?”
“Lily! That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Hey, Lily! What was the name of that place?”
The president of a major company had three secretaries he wanted to promote, but there was only one position available.
The first secretary was a Stanford graduate who developed a strategy to cut unnecessary spending and increased company profits by 28%.
The second was a single mother of three — kind, warm, and beloved by employees and customers alike. She made everyone feel welcome and valued.
The third was quick-witted, knew the company’s operations inside and out, and could deliver anything needed at a moment’s notice — fast, efficient, and flawless.
After careful and deliberate consideration, the president decided to promote the secretary with the biggest tits.
A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”
Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”
The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”
The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”
A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it’s too much for her to take.
“Hey! It was funny for a while but that’s enough! I’m blond, and I don’t like people assuming I’m dumb! It’s not fair!”
The comedian, taken aback, says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying….” She cut him off.
“I wasn’t talking to YOU!”
My wife left me for a deaf guy.
I should have seen the signs.
A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.
About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”
The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”
“Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”
“Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”
“…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.
The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”
The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”
My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.
