I had a neighbor who was a barber, but he doesn’t cut hair any longer.
He cuts it shorter.
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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Shorter Cuts: A Barber’s New Approach
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How’d you get the black eye?
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
“What’s that?” the first asks.
“It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
“Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’” -
A guy finds an old lamp
A guy is walking along a beach and finds an old lamp.
He rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says, “I can grant you three wishes, but there’s a catch: your ex-wife gets double whatever you ask for.”
The man thinks and says, “For my first wish, I’d like a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have a billion dollars, and your ex-wife has two billion.”
The man says, “For my second wish, I’d like a fleet of the world’s finest sports cars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have ten Ferraris, and your ex-wife has twenty.”
The man pauses, looking very thoughtful. Finally, he says, “For my third wish… I’d like to donate one of my kidneys.”
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Gary got beat up
John runs into his old friend Gary, who looks like he’s been beaten by a thousand fists.
Now Gary is the nicest guy ever; it’s hard to imagine anyone getting mad at him, let alone beating him so savagely.
I asked, “What happened?!?!”
He explained, “Well, I was on the escalator, and the lady in front of me was wearing a pretty skirt, but it had bunched up between her cheeks, so I gently pulled it out. Then she turned around and slapped me.”
“Wow! Maybe you should have just let it be, but it looks like you got more than just slapped.”
“I know! I knew I messed up, and I felt bad, so when she turned around, I started poking it back in…” -
From Chicken to Commitment: A Love Story
Five years ago I started a game of Gay Chicken with my friend.
Now we own a dog together, we moved to Vermont to start a cute little bed and breakfast, and we’re thinking of adopting a kid. If he doesn’t give up soon, I think he might actually be gay. -
Struggling in Silence: Identity and Acceptance
I didn’t want to admit I was gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel. -
Truth or Trouble: The Dress Dilemma
“Does this dress make me look fat?”
“Promise not to be mad, whatever I say?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I fucked your sister.” -
Size Matters: Love, Laughter, and Wardrobe Woes
You know how your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits your wife’s clothes. -
The Square Dance
Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.
Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.
Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”
Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”
Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.
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Listening: The Key to Conversation Survival!
My wife screamed: ‘You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?’
What a weird way to start a conversation!
