Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • The tired lawyer

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

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  • Trying to sell a dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

    A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

    “I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

    “500 dollars” the man says.

    “Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

    “Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

    The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

    A year later the man walks into the bar again.

    This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

    The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

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  • Little Johnny is Smart

    A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.

    Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”

    The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.

    The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.

    Principal: “What is 3+3?”
    Little Johnny: “6.”

    Principal: “6+6?”
    Little Johnny: “12.”

    Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.

    The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.

    Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
    Little Johnny: “Legs.”

    Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
    Little Johnny: “Pockets.”

    Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
    Little Johnny: “Coconut.”

    Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
    The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
    Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”

    Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
    Little Johnny: “Tent.”

    The principal was looking restless.

    Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
    Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”

    Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
    Little Johnny: “Nose.”

    Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
    Little Johnny: “Arrow.”

    Principal: “OH MY GOD!”

    Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
    Little Johnny: “Fork.”

    Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
    Little Johnny: “Surname.”

    Principal: “Ohooo!”

    Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
    Little Johnny: “Heart.”

    Principal: “Eeeeeh!”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”

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  • A wealthy widow is looking for a husband

    A wealthy, lonely widow decided she needed a new man in her life, so she placed an ad in the newspaper:

    “Wealthy widow seeks a man to share her fortune and life. Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

    1. Don’t be aggressive toward me.
    2. Never run away.
    3. Must be extremely good in bed.”

    For months, she got plenty of calls and house visits, but no one met her criteria.

    One day, the doorbell rang.

    She opened the door and saw a man lying there without arms and without legs.

    Confused, she asked, “Who are you? What do you want?”

    “Hello,” he said. “Your search is over. I’m the man of your dreams. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and no legs, so I can’t run away.”

    “Okay… well, do you think you’re good in bed?” she asked.

    He replied, “Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

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  • Wise little girl

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    “What are they doing?” the girl asked.

    The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” Grandma asked.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”

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  • Embracing the Average: A Surprising Truth

    Half of the people you know are below average.

  • Twice the Trouble: A Wish Gone Wrong

    A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.

    “Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”

  • Barber’s Secret: From Cuts to Criminals

    My neighborhood barber was just arrested for selling drugs.

    I was a customer for seven years. I never knew he was a barber.

  • Valentines Day

    Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

    What’s the brussel sprout?

    It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

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  • Billy Bob and Joe

    Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

    Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

    “Yeah, what about her?”

    “Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

    “No, not really. You?”

    “No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

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