Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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A MILF Shake
What’s the term for getting a handjob from a single mom?
A MILF shake.
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Something Soft and Mushy
So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log. After a bit Judi says to Jon, “Aren’t the stars purty tonite?”
Jon says “Sure is Judi”.
Judi says “Jon, aren’t the moon purty tonite”.
Jon says “Sure is Judi”.
After a bit Judi says, “Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear”.
So Jon leans over and whispers “Shit”.
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He Makes His Own Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day — the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral — The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”
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Baaaaaaa
Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Bubba recalled.
“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”
“Baaaaaaa.”
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45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes
We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme. -
Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”
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Wouldnt I Wooden Eye
There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.
He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.
This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.
