Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • The Cab Driver’s Creative Payment Plan

    A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

    So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

    The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

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  • The Mystery of Missing Female Keebler Elves

    It’s occurred to me in the last few days, after listening to and seeing all of the Keebler commercials, just why there’s never any female elves pictured. Then it came to me: They’re all fudge-packers.

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  • Makes Your Day

    Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

    A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

  • Hard Pour Corn vs Soft Pour Corn

    Hard Pour Corn vs Soft Pour Corn

    Hard pour corn vs. soft pour corn

  • Roommate’s Setup: Nature Takes Its Course

    A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who’d made the rounds of the campus.

    “Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,” he explained reassuringly. “This girl knows what the score is, and she’s even a natural blonde.” The roommate arranged the date as promised.

    The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, “Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy.”

    “I would too,” sighed the blonde, “Mine’s the size of a goddamn milk pail.”

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  • Front Hole Happiness

    A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up, smiled at him, and said:

    “Excuse please… Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud.”

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  • How to Satisfy a Woman: Get a Dog

    How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
    Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she’s puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
    Show up.

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  • Sex Worker’s Bleeding Problem Baffles Doctor

    A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

    “Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?”

    “Well,” the doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?”

    After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”

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  • Three Phases of the Male Life Cycle

    A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”

    The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

    “A Christmas tree?”

    “Yes. Dried up, and the balls are there only for decoration.”

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  • Three Stages of Breast Evolution

    A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions.”

    “Onions?”

    “Yes. See them, and they make you cry.”

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