Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • The Man Who Couldn’t Find Her Head

    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “you know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

    The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

    “Today I hiked onto a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watch deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

    The second friend says. “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I cam across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

    “Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”

    “No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

  • Gerbil Mishap in Hospital

    In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

    Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

    I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, he explained.

    As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.

    Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

  • Two Gay Men Have A Happy Baby

    Two gay gentlemen decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

    Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

    Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

    The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”

  • That Big Ape Hasn’t Called

    Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it.

    One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.

    An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”

    “AM I HURT?” he shouted, “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”

  • Brother After Brother, Vodka After Vodka

    A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

    The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

    “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

    The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

    On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

    The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

  • When Women Make Gay Men Question Everything

    Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

    The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”

  • Four Types of Orgasms Explained Hilariously

    John: you know there are four types of orgasms?

    Jim: no what are they?

    John: There’s the POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, RELIGIOUS and FAKE.

    The positive goes oh yes! oh yes!.
    The negative goes oh no! oh no!
    The religious goes oh God! oh God!
    And the fake one goes OH JIM! OH JIM!.

  • Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused

    A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”

    Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.

    Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.

    Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.

    After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”

    The fireman said “What’s that mean?”

    She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”

  • Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages

    There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

    The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”

    The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”

    The husband said, “No, not at all.”

    The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”

    “Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”