Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • The Condom Flew Across the Room

    Why did the condom fly across the room?

    Because it got really pissed off.

  • Two Blondes Walk Into a Bar

    A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovely young blond women sitting down. He approaches the bar tender and asks: “Excuse me could I’d like to buy those two ladies a couple of drinks.”

    But the bar tender gives him a funny look and answers, “I’m not so sure that is a good idea. You see they’re lesbians.”

    “Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    And the bartender responded, “Why don’t you go over there and ask them?”

    So the young man walked over to the women and asked, “I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?”

    And one answered politely, “We’ll we like to kiss, suck each others tits….”

    And the young man yells to the bar tender, “Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!”

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  • Energizer Bunny Dies From Backwards Battery Mishap

    I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.

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    AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

    Foul play has not been ruled out.

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  • She Farted and Flew Out the Window

    Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.

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    She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

    The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned… how was it for you?”

    The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

    The first man asked, “How’s that?”

    “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”

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  • Misunderstanding at the Beach

    Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

    “Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”

    “Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.

    Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”

    The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.

    Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”

    With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.

    As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

    The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”

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  • Diet Scam Charges a Dollar Per Pound

    Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number.

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    A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

    The man responded, “Ten pounds.”

    The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

    About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

    Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.”

    He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” — to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”

    “Very well,” the voice on the phone told him, “Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

    At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! “This is fantastic!” he thought to himself.

    Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed. “Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.” The man replied, “Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.

    When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “IF I CATCH YOU, I’M GOING TO SCREW YOU.”

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  • Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary

    Dear Diary:

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    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2
    Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

    Day 4
    A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

    Day 11
    The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

    Day 12
    I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

    Day 13
    I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

    Day 14
    Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

    Day 15
    I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

    Day 16
    I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

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  • Clitoris Licking Frog Available

    A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said “Clitoris licking frog available.” Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

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    Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying: “Please ring for service”

    The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”

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  • Horses Making Love: Farm Education Lesson

    There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

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    He says “They’re making love.”

    “Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asks.

    “Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.

    “Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.

    He says “Those are his knots.”

    She says, “Oh, OK I got it.”

    As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

    Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

    “Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

    The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”

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  • Doctor’s Wife Sets Straight Woman’s Misconceptions

    At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

    At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”

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