Masturbating twice a week increases life expectancy by 20%
Me in 3263:
Topic: sex
Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
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When Your Girl Is Giving You a Handjob Under the Table
When your girl is giving you a handjob under the table.
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My First Time With a Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 19 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. “Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
“Well, come on,” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW — I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
“Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her!
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The Old Man and the Prostitute
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hadn’t had a customer in a while, so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”
Prostitute: “C’mon man… give it a try…”
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he’s done, the prostitute, all exhausted and tired, says, “But you said you won’t be able to…”
“…pay you,” replied the old man.
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Why Is the Reverse-Cowgirl Position Banned in Alabama?
Why is the reverse-cowgirl position banned in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
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Johnny Uses ‘Urinate’ in a Sentence
Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher was going through a list of words to have each student use in a sentence.
As she got closer to Johnny, she began to regret her decision. His word was “urinate,” and she really didn’t want to give it to him.
The teacher asked, “Who wants the next one?”
Little Johnny’s hand was waving in the air while no one else responded.
Defeated, the teacher said, “Okay, Johnny, your word is ‘urinate.’”
Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, “My dad says you’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten.”
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Fuck Him, Give Him Five Dollars
A mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve when a beautiful middle-aged woman stopped him and said, “Can you come inside the house real quick?”
The mailman was intrigued and followed her inside.
She took him to the bedroom, started taking her clothes off, and they had sex.
After it was over, he got dressed to leave, and she handed him a five-dollar bill.
The mailman, confused, asked, “What was all this for?”
She said, “My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts, and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman.”
“He said, ‘Ahh, fuck him, give him five dollars.’”
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I Washed Them the Day Before
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, “Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!”
Stan replies, “Just ignore her. Don’t pay her any mind.”
The woman then gestures for Jerry to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, “Did you see that? She’s calling for me!”
Stan insists, “Man, don’t go up there!”
Jerry asks, “Why not? Why don’t you want me to go see her?”
Stan pleads, “Dude, just listen to me. Don’t go!”
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.
The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.
Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, “Oh no, that’s my husband!”
“Crap!” Jerry exclaims.
“Don’t worry,” she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. “I’ll just tell him you’re the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes.”
Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan’s house and tells him the whole story.
“You won’t believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!”
“I told you not to go,” sighs Stan. “All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.”
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In Vietnam
Once, the Pentagon realized it had far too many generals and suggested they retire.
It promised that any general who stepped down immediately would receive a pension equal to his salary plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points on the general’s body. The generals could choose those points themselves.
The first to agree was an Air Force general. He told the pension officer to measure from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It came out to six feet. He retired with a check for $720,000.
The second was an Army general. He asked for the distance from the tips of his fingers, with his arms stretched upward, to the tips of his toes. That came out to eight feet. He retired with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a gray-haired Marine, was asked which two points to measure between, he said, “Measure from the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension officer suggested that perhaps the respected Marine general might want to reconsider, mentioning the generous sums the previous generals had received. But the Marine stood his ground.
A medical officer was called in for such a delicate measurement. He approached the general and asked him to take it out. The general did.
The medical officer placed a ruler at the tip and suddenly recoiled.
“My God!” he exclaimed. “Where are the testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the general replied.
