Great on the piano
Sucks on the organ
Topic: sex
Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
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Masturbating Twice a Week Increases Life Expectancy by 20%
Masturbating twice a week increases life expectancy by 20%
Me in 3263:
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When Your Girl Is Giving You a Handjob Under the Table
When your girl is giving you a handjob under the table.
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My First Time With a Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 19 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. “Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
“Well, come on,” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW — I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
“Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her!
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The Old Man and the Prostitute
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hadn’t had a customer in a while, so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”
Prostitute: “C’mon man… give it a try…”
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he’s done, the prostitute, all exhausted and tired, says, “But you said you won’t be able to…”
“…pay you,” replied the old man.
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Why Is the Reverse-Cowgirl Position Banned in Alabama?
Why is the reverse-cowgirl position banned in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
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Johnny Uses ‘Urinate’ in a Sentence
Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher was going through a list of words to have each student use in a sentence.
As she got closer to Johnny, she began to regret her decision. His word was “urinate,” and she really didn’t want to give it to him.
The teacher asked, “Who wants the next one?”
Little Johnny’s hand was waving in the air while no one else responded.
Defeated, the teacher said, “Okay, Johnny, your word is ‘urinate.’”
Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, “My dad says you’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten.”
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Fuck Him, Give Him Five Dollars
A mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve when a beautiful middle-aged woman stopped him and said, “Can you come inside the house real quick?”
The mailman was intrigued and followed her inside.
She took him to the bedroom, started taking her clothes off, and they had sex.
After it was over, he got dressed to leave, and she handed him a five-dollar bill.
The mailman, confused, asked, “What was all this for?”
She said, “My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts, and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman.”
“He said, ‘Ahh, fuck him, give him five dollars.’”
