9AM: I’m going to work hard and get ahead today.
9:05AM:
Topic: work
Work jokes, office memes, job interview disasters, coworker chaos, and professional suffering with just enough sarcasm to survive another meeting.
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Dad’s Mechanical Secretary Problem
A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother.
The young boy answered “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
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CEO’s Impossible Interview Question Stumps Everyone
A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.
But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.
He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.
The CEO said “I only ask one question when looking for accountants.” The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:
“What’s 1+1?”
Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered “it’s whatever you want it to be.”
“You got the job,” the CEO replied.
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Marine’s Unexpected Request Leaves Sex Workers Surprised
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said “well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine”
“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. She said “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”
“So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”
“Finally I said, well, how much do you have”? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job”
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…..”
“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge…. then what did you do?”
“I loaned him $75!” she said.
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Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused
A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”
Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.
Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.
Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.
After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”
The fireman said “What’s that mean?”
She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”
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Smoking Cessation Plan Backfires Spectacularly
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.
She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called “Cold Turkey.”
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
“Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
“I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”
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Teach a Man to Fish
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he becomes a lazy SOB who never works because he’s “gone fishin’!” Thanks a lot, genius!
