Delivery Style: deadpan

Deadpan joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

While I was traveling for work, my wife called to excitedly tell

While I was traveling for work, my wife called to excitedly tell me that she was expecting at least eight inches overnight. I hope she was only talking about snow.
Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking

Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking machine. It doesn’t feel as good as you would think, and they’ll ban you from Walgreens for life.
This morning I was licking a delicious Tootsie Roll and thought

This morning I was licking a delicious Tootsie Roll and thought to myself, “Who cares how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center? It’s the licking for hours I’m good at and enjoy so much.”
To me it was never about “Romulans versus Klingons” as much as

To me it was never about “Romulans versus Klingons” as much as it was about “How far am I going to take this in order to bang a chick willing to wear Spock ears during sex?”
I never follow fashion trends. The way I see it is if the

I never follow fashion trends. The way I see it is if the fashion industry is too afraid to show off their new paisley butt-plug, who needs their opinions?
Turns out I didn’t desperately need a nap after all; I just

Turns out I didn’t desperately need a nap after all; I just needed an orgasm. My apologies again to the other patrons of Costco’s bedding department.
Somebody once wrote, “Quality questions create a quality life,”

Somebody once wrote, “Quality questions create a quality life,” but my quality question to women I bump into at the mall, “Do you want to have sex with me?” usually results in a restraining order.
I should be chosen Small Business Owner of the Year now that

I should be chosen Small Business Owner of the Year now that I’ve finally solved once and for all the issue about sexual harrassment in my business. Nobody ELSE thought of hiring only prostitutes.
Breasts would be so much less interesting if it weren’t for

Breasts would be so much less interesting if it weren’t for nipples. I must concede, however, that they would STILL be breasts.
I think I’d enjoy anal sex more if I liked things being placed

I think I’d enjoy anal sex more if I liked things being placed in my ass.