Format: one-liner

One-liners, quick jokes, short-form comedy, and punchlines built for impatient degenerates from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Number One

    Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.

  • Dogs Chase Cars

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  • If At First You Don’t Succeed

    If at first you don’t succeed, blackmail everyone who saw you fail. Unless what you failed at is blackmail — then you’ll have to go straight to murder.

  • Caviar and a Blowjob

    What’s the difference between caviar and a blowjob?

    No difference — you don’t get either of them at home!

  • Miced Onions

    It’s a good idea to pay close attention to the recipe when you cook. That way you won’t spend a whole day looking for miced onions.

  • Multiple Autobiographies

    The cool thing about having multiple personality disorder is that you get to write a shitload of autobiographies!

  • Secretary of Defense

    If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.

  • The Holy Trinity

    Probably the easiest way to explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity is that One pokes the Other in the eye and the Third goes “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” a lot. Of course, that might just be the NyQuil talking.