Format: one-liner

One-liners, quick jokes, short-form comedy, and punchlines built for impatient degenerates from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Multiple Autobiographies

    The cool thing about having multiple personality disorder is that you get to write a shitload of autobiographies!

  • Secretary of Defense

    If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.

  • The Holy Trinity

    Probably the easiest way to explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity is that One pokes the Other in the eye and the Third goes “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” a lot. Of course, that might just be the NyQuil talking.

  • The Space Program

    If they ever start taking civilians into the space program, I’ll be the first to sign up. Not because I’m into science or exploring or stuff, but because I owe a lot of money to some really mean dudes in Jersey.

  • You Can Trust Me As Far As You Can Throw Me

    If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be “You can trust me as far as you can throw me.”

  • The Cola Wars

    Call me embittered, but I lost a mother and two brothers to the Cola Wars, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose my pop!

  • Molotov Was a Beer Drinker

    I’ve got ten dollars that says Molotov was a beer drinker.

  • Neither Repeating Nor Terminating

    My math teacher calls the 14th of March “Pi Day” because it’s 3/14. I celebrated by neither repeating nor terminating for the whole day.