My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”
“You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.
“Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”
“You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.
“Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.
“But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”
Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….
