A young farmer is having trouble with one of his horses, which is suffering from diarrhea. He doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks advice from the old farmer down the road.

“Farmer John, surely you’ve seen this problem before. What should I do with a horse with diarrhea?” he asks.

Farmer John smiles and says, “Well, a few years back one of my horses had that problem, and I gave him a drink of turpentine.”

Relieved to have an answer, the young farmer runs home and administers the same treatment to his horse.

Sadly, the next morning his horse is dead. He runs back over to Farmer John’s place.

“John, I gave my horse turpentine, but he died!” the young farmer says.

Farmer John nods thoughtfully and says, “Aye… mine did too.”

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

“Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”

“Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”

“I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”

“You forgot pride,” the priest says.

“No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”

Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”

The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”

The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”

The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”

The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”

The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”

The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.

Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”

An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

“It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

“Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”

A blonde walked into a library, marched up to the counter, and said, “I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

The librarian said, “Excuse me! This is a library!”

The blonde then whispered, “Sorry… I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

I walked up to the counter and said, “Yeah, I’ll take a Polish sausage.”

The guy behind the counter squints at me and asks, “Are you Polish?”

I’m immediately offended.

“What kind of question is that? If I ordered a bratwurst, would you assume I’m German? If I asked for a Belgian waffle, would that make me Belgian? Dumplings — Chinese? What exactly made you think I was Polish?”

He leans in, lowers his voice, and says,

“Sir… this is a hardware store.”

Four moles were crawling up a tunnel to the surface.

The 1st one said, “Ah! I can smell the flowers!”
The 2nd one said, “I can smell the fresh air!”
The 3rd one said, “I smell the dirt..”
The last one said, “I only smell molasses.”

I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”

I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”

Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

What’s the brussel sprout?

It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

“No, not really. You?”

“No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

There were three men on death row: a German, an Italian, and an Irishman.

The warden gave them a choice of how they wanted to die:

• Be shot
• Be hanged
• Be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow, painful death

The German stepped up first.
“Shoot me right in the head.”

Boom. Instant.

The Italian went next.
“Just hang me.”

Snap. Done.

Then it was the Irishman’s turn.

“I’ll take some of that AIDS stuff.”

They gave him the injection.

He collapsed on the floor… laughing.

The guards looked at each other. What was wrong with this guy?

Through tears of laughter he said, “Give me another one of those shots!”

They shrugged and gave him another.

Now he’s howling, doubled over, can barely breathe from laughing.

Finally, the warden snapped, “What is wrong with you?!”

The Irishman wheezed, “You idiots… I’m wearing a condom!”

Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

Two dumb guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking himself
The one dumb guy goes, “I wish I could do that”

And the other dumb guy goes, “Maybe if you tried petting him first”

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in First Class on a flight out of NYC.

Once the plane was airborne and the seat-belt sign was turned off, drink orders
were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him. Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he was drinking, to which the Mormon replied, “I would rather be raped by 12 wild whores
than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here.
I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Girl walks into a tattoo shop and asks for Elvis on one thigh and Johnny Cash on the other…

Tattoo artist says alright let’s get to work, but I’m gonna need you to take off your pants so they don’t get ink on them. After a few hours he finishes both tattoos. she looks in the mirror and freaks out. “These don’t look like Elvis or Johnny at all” she says, crying.

Sure they do, says the artist. Here I’ll prove it. The artist goes outside and grabs a man standing on the corner and brings him into the shop and asks who are the people in these tattoos? The man looks intently and after a couple mins says, “I don’t know who that is on the left and I don’t know who that is on the right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

So a woman calls her husband at work and asks, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your back, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
He says, “God, no.”

And she says, “Um… how about now?”

I prefer dead baby jokes, they just never get old.

Wife: There are four men attacking my mother in the street! Aren’t you going to help!

Husband: Why? Four should be enough.

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

But I refused because if I’m gonna have sex on a car, it’s going to be on my own Accord