She told me, “This is the biggest dick I’ve ever come across.”

I said, “No, you are just pulling my leg.”

His lips are moving!

They should be changed often….. and for the exact same reason.

The letter ‘f’.

A young priest is hearing confession for the first time on a dull, damp Saturday afternoon.

He hears the church door open, and someone comes stumbling in from the rain, staggers over to the confessional, and half-falls in, yanking the door shut behind him.

Then everything is quiet for a while, and the priest hears only labored breathing and the occasional drunken mutter from the other side before it lapses into silence.

It seems like the visitor has fallen asleep, so the priest gives a discreet cough and a tap on the partition.

From the other side, a heavily refreshed voice says, “It’s no use coughing, and it’s no use knocking, sir. There’s no paper on this side either!”

A man reaches the age of 100 and a news crew goes to see what his secret to long life is. The neighbor kids say “He’s always drinking on his front porch.” The local police say “we always have to pick him up from the bars for fighting.” The butcher says “He eats a pound of bacon from my store every day!” Finally they go to his house to interview him.

Sure enough, his front lawn is strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans. The old man comes to the door, his face weathered and brown, with nicotine stains on his teeth, and the smell of bacon wafting out the door. But he’s walking, just a little slow, but really well for a 100 year old man.

“Sir, how did you manage to live so long? It sounds like you have so many unhealthy habits, is there anything special you do?”.

“Well, first, I bribed the pension office to say I was 75, so I could retire at 30. That was about thirty years ago.”

Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.

The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:

“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”

A guy’s on the side of the highway changing a flat.

A patrol car pulls up. The officer steps out and says, “Sir, we received a report of an emergency…”

Before he can finish, another cruiser comes flying up from behind, speeding in the same direction. It slams on the brakes and skids in behind the first car. The second officer jumps out, a little out of breath. He takes one look around and says, “Oh… I thought…”

Suddenly, from the opposite side of the highway, a third cruiser whips a U-turn across the median, sirens blaring, and screeches to a stop.

The third officer jumps out and runs up. “Are there any left?”

The first two silently point at the spare tire. The third officer squints at it.

“We really need better descriptions from dispatch, this is not what I would call a donut emergency”

I was right in the middle of a steamy make out session with a hot chick when she stops me and asks “do you have a condom?”

“No” I say, and begrudgingly get my things together and head for the store.

When I get there, find the condoms and I’m checking out, the clerk asks me, “Do you need a bag?”

To which I reply, “She’s not that ugly!”

A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.

“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”

“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,

“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”

“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”

“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest

“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god

“so?”

“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.

A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.

The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”

The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”

She replies, “because you’re ugly.”

A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.

The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.

The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”

The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

A lawyer wakes up after surgery and sees the recovery room completely dark.

He asks, “Nurse, why are the blinds closed?”

She says, “There’s a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up thinking the surgery didn’t work.”

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

“I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

“500 dollars” the man says.

“Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

“Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

A year later the man walks into the bar again.

This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”

The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”

The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”

He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”

The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”

The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”

The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”

The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”

The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”

The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”

Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”

The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”

The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”

A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.

Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”

The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.

The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.

Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”

Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”

Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.

The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.

Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”

Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”

Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”

The principal was looking restless.

Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”

Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”

Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”

Principal: “OH MY GOD!”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”

Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”

Principal: “Ohooo!”

Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”

Principal: “Eeeeeh!”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.

Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.

Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A son tells his father he has a homework assignment due, and he can’t figure out how to complete it. The task is to explain the difference between theory and reality.

The father instructs him: “Go ask your mom if she would have sex with a stranger for $1,000,000.”

The mom says yes.

Then the father tells him to ask his sister the same question.

She also says yes.

The father says, “There. You figured out the assignment. In theory, we live with two millionaires. In reality, we live with two sluts.”

A family is visiting the zoo.

While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”

“That’s his trunk,” she replies.

“No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.

“No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.

Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”

Confused, the boy turns to his father.

“Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”

The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”

A wealthy, lonely widow decided she needed a new man in her life, so she placed an ad in the newspaper:

“Wealthy widow seeks a man to share her fortune and life. Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

1. Don’t be aggressive toward me.
2. Never run away.
3. Must be extremely good in bed.”

For months, she got plenty of calls and house visits, but no one met her criteria.

One day, the doorbell rang.

She opened the door and saw a man lying there without arms and without legs.

Confused, she asked, “Who are you? What do you want?”

“Hello,” he said. “Your search is over. I’m the man of your dreams. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and no legs, so I can’t run away.”

“Okay… well, do you think you’re good in bed?” she asked.

He replied, “Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

A man comes home extremely drunk, goes straight to bed, and falls asleep.

That night, he dies in his sleep.

In the afterlife, an angel greets him and explains what happened. The man is devastated. He tells the angel he still has so much to do in life, regrets drinking so much, and swears that if he’s sent back, he’ll never drink again and will live a healthy life.

The angel says it’s impossible.

After a lot of begging, though, the angel says there is one option: he can return to Earth as a chicken.

The man thinks, “Well, that’s still better than being dead,” and agrees.

He wakes up on a large farm, surrounded by dozens of chickens. He walks around a bit, eats some feed, and even nods at a few other chickens.

Suddenly, he feels an intense pressure in his stomach.

He asks the chicken next to him what’s happening.

The chicken says, “Relax. It’s just an egg. Push as hard as you can and lay it.”

So he starts pushing with all his strength. He feels something moving inside him, slowly making its way out…

Just as it’s about to come out, his wife wakes him up and yells:

“Wake up, you idiot! You’re shitting the bed!”

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: ….Denephew.