Jokes

A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.

The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”

The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”

She replies, “because you’re ugly.”

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

“Doctor, how is he?”

“Well, he’s had a massive heart attack, and also sustained some bone fractures.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“No, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along.”

“Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?”

A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.

The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.

The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”

The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”

On the first day of college, the dean is making his initial address to the incoming student body and going over some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is out-of-bounds for all female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” says a guy in the back. “How much for a season pass?”

After attending ethics training, Bob went up to his boss.

“Boss,” he said, “that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals.”

The boss replied, “But Bob, this is an accepted practice, and many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.”

Bob responded, “Yeah, but we make hammers!”

A blonde walked into a library, marched up to the counter, and said, “I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

The librarian said, “Excuse me! This is a library!”

The blonde then whispered, “Sorry… I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”

The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”

The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”

He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”

The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”

The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”

The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”

The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”

The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”

The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”

Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”

The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”

The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”

A wealthy man commissioned an artist to paint a mural depicting General Custer’s last words at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He told the artist he’d have complete creative freedom on how to present the scene.

Weeks passed, and finally the day came for the man to see the finished mural. He entered the room, full of expectation — and stopped dead in his tracks.

The mural showed a large blue fish with a halo, floating above a horde of Native Americans engaged in wild sex on a hillside below.

“What the hell is this?” the man shouted. “That’s not what I asked for!”

“Oh, but it is,” said the artist. “It captures the true last words of General Custer. I figured they were: ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!”

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

A good-looking young guy watches an attractive woman at a bar for some time, then approaches her in a quiet, shy manner and suggests they sit together, chat, and have a drink.

The woman exclaims loudly, “I’m not sleeping with you! Get lost!”

The guy, completely embarrassed, returns to his seat.

After a while, the woman approaches him, smiles sweetly, apologizes for being rude, and explains that she’s studying psychology and wanted to see how people behave in these types of situations. Now she’d be happy to have a drink and chat with him.

To which the guy shouts loudly, “Five hundred dollars? Get lost, slut!”

There were three men on death row: a German, an Italian, and an Irishman.

The warden gave them a choice of how they wanted to die:

• Be shot
• Be hanged
• Be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow, painful death

The German stepped up first.
“Shoot me right in the head.”

Boom. Instant.

The Italian went next.
“Just hang me.”

Snap. Done.

Then it was the Irishman’s turn.

“I’ll take some of that AIDS stuff.”

They gave him the injection.

He collapsed on the floor… laughing.

The guards looked at each other. What was wrong with this guy?

Through tears of laughter he said, “Give me another one of those shots!”

They shrugged and gave him another.

Now he’s howling, doubled over, can barely breathe from laughing.

Finally, the warden snapped, “What is wrong with you?!”

The Irishman wheezed, “You idiots… I’m wearing a condom!”

A man reaches the age of 100 and a news crew goes to see what his secret to long life is. The neighbor kids say “He’s always drinking on his front porch.” The local police say “we always have to pick him up from the bars for fighting.” The butcher says “He eats a pound of bacon from my store every day!” Finally they go to his house to interview him.

Sure enough, his front lawn is strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans. The old man comes to the door, his face weathered and brown, with nicotine stains on his teeth, and the smell of bacon wafting out the door. But he’s walking, just a little slow, but really well for a 100 year old man.

“Sir, how did you manage to live so long? It sounds like you have so many unhealthy habits, is there anything special you do?”.

“Well, first, I bribed the pension office to say I was 75, so I could retire at 30. That was about thirty years ago.”

Girl walks into a tattoo shop and asks for Elvis on one thigh and Johnny Cash on the other…

Tattoo artist says alright let’s get to work, but I’m gonna need you to take off your pants so they don’t get ink on them. After a few hours he finishes both tattoos. she looks in the mirror and freaks out. “These don’t look like Elvis or Johnny at all” she says, crying.

Sure they do, says the artist. Here I’ll prove it. The artist goes outside and grabs a man standing on the corner and brings him into the shop and asks who are the people in these tattoos? The man looks intently and after a couple mins says, “I don’t know who that is on the left and I don’t know who that is on the right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

There was a pause… then two gunshots.

The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

Some first-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.

They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study. The professor began by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it. He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted a finger into the body’s anus and then tasted it.

When everyone had finished, they stood there frowning and looking uncomfortable.

The professor looked at them and smiled. “The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

“I inserted my middle finger,” he continued, “but I tasted my index finger.”

A lawyer wakes up after surgery and sees the recovery room completely dark.

He asks, “Nurse, why are the blinds closed?”

She says, “There’s a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up thinking the surgery didn’t work.”

A young priest is hearing confession for the first time on a dull, damp Saturday afternoon.

He hears the church door open, and someone comes stumbling in from the rain, staggers over to the confessional, and half-falls in, yanking the door shut behind him.

Then everything is quiet for a while, and the priest hears only labored breathing and the occasional drunken mutter from the other side before it lapses into silence.

It seems like the visitor has fallen asleep, so the priest gives a discreet cough and a tap on the partition.

From the other side, a heavily refreshed voice says, “It’s no use coughing, and it’s no use knocking, sir. There’s no paper on this side either!”

A man comes home extremely drunk, goes straight to bed, and falls asleep.

That night, he dies in his sleep.

In the afterlife, an angel greets him and explains what happened. The man is devastated. He tells the angel he still has so much to do in life, regrets drinking so much, and swears that if he’s sent back, he’ll never drink again and will live a healthy life.

The angel says it’s impossible.

After a lot of begging, though, the angel says there is one option: he can return to Earth as a chicken.

The man thinks, “Well, that’s still better than being dead,” and agrees.

He wakes up on a large farm, surrounded by dozens of chickens. He walks around a bit, eats some feed, and even nods at a few other chickens.

Suddenly, he feels an intense pressure in his stomach.

He asks the chicken next to him what’s happening.

The chicken says, “Relax. It’s just an egg. Push as hard as you can and lay it.”

So he starts pushing with all his strength. He feels something moving inside him, slowly making its way out…

Just as it’s about to come out, his wife wakes him up and yells:

“Wake up, you idiot! You’re shitting the bed!”

A woman was walking past a pet store when she noticed a parrot perched outside on a T-stand. As she went by, the parrot squawked, “You’re ugly!”

Mortified, the woman walked on, hoping it was a one-time thing. But the next day, it happened again — and the day after that too. Finally, she stormed into the shop and complained to the owner.

Furious, the owner scolded the parrot. “If you ever insult that woman again,” he warned, “you’ll regret it.”

The next day, the woman walked by once more. The parrot stared at her silently for a moment… then leaned forward and said, “Hey lady!!! You know…”

I forgot to zip my pants today, so a lady politely told me, “Sir, your garage is open.”

I zipped them up and asked, “Did you see my monster truck parked inside?”

The lady smiled and said, “No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires…”

I’m still crying.

Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

“No, not really. You?”

“No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

A family is visiting the zoo.

While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”

“That’s his trunk,” she replies.

“No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.

“No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.

Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”

Confused, the boy turns to his father.

“Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”

The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”