A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: ….Denephew.

A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”

They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.

When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”

The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”

Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.

Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”

Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”

A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.

When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”

That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.

She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”

The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”

A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

“What are they doing?” the girl asked.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”

“What do you mean?” Grandma asked.

“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”

Two dumb guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking himself
The one dumb guy goes, “I wish I could do that”

And the other dumb guy goes, “Maybe if you tried petting him first”

A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”

The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”

The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”

The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”

The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”

The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”

The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.

Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”

An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

“It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

“Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”

A blonde walked into a library, marched up to the counter, and said, “I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

The librarian said, “Excuse me! This is a library!”

The blonde then whispered, “Sorry… I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

I walked up to the counter and said, “Yeah, I’ll take a Polish sausage.”

The guy behind the counter squints at me and asks, “Are you Polish?”

I’m immediately offended.

“What kind of question is that? If I ordered a bratwurst, would you assume I’m German? If I asked for a Belgian waffle, would that make me Belgian? Dumplings — Chinese? What exactly made you think I was Polish?”

He leans in, lowers his voice, and says,

“Sir… this is a hardware store.”

Four moles were crawling up a tunnel to the surface.

The 1st one said, “Ah! I can smell the flowers!”
The 2nd one said, “I can smell the fresh air!”
The 3rd one said, “I smell the dirt..”
The last one said, “I only smell molasses.”

I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”

I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”

Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

What’s the brussel sprout?

It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

“No, not really. You?”

“No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

There were three men on death row: a German, an Italian, and an Irishman.

The warden gave them a choice of how they wanted to die:

• Be shot
• Be hanged
• Be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow, painful death

The German stepped up first.
“Shoot me right in the head.”

Boom. Instant.

The Italian went next.
“Just hang me.”

Snap. Done.

Then it was the Irishman’s turn.

“I’ll take some of that AIDS stuff.”

They gave him the injection.

He collapsed on the floor… laughing.

The guards looked at each other. What was wrong with this guy?

Through tears of laughter he said, “Give me another one of those shots!”

They shrugged and gave him another.

Now he’s howling, doubled over, can barely breathe from laughing.

Finally, the warden snapped, “What is wrong with you?!”

The Irishman wheezed, “You idiots… I’m wearing a condom!”

Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in First Class on a flight out of NYC.

Once the plane was airborne and the seat-belt sign was turned off, drink orders
were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him. Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he was drinking, to which the Mormon replied, “I would rather be raped by 12 wild whores
than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here.
I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Girl walks into a tattoo shop and asks for Elvis on one thigh and Johnny Cash on the other…

Tattoo artist says alright let’s get to work, but I’m gonna need you to take off your pants so they don’t get ink on them. After a few hours he finishes both tattoos. she looks in the mirror and freaks out. “These don’t look like Elvis or Johnny at all” she says, crying.

Sure they do, says the artist. Here I’ll prove it. The artist goes outside and grabs a man standing on the corner and brings him into the shop and asks who are the people in these tattoos? The man looks intently and after a couple mins says, “I don’t know who that is on the left and I don’t know who that is on the right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

So a woman calls her husband at work and asks, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your back, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
He says, “God, no.”

And she says, “Um… how about now?”

I prefer dead baby jokes, they just never get old.

Wife: There are four men attacking my mother in the street! Aren’t you going to help!

Husband: Why? Four should be enough.