Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

So it’s the first day of college, and the girls are finishing orientation with the Dean of Women.

“In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you’ll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?”

“Now,” the dean says, “are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” says a voice from the back. “How do you make them last an hour?”

They should be changed often….. and for the exact same reason.

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.

Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.

Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

“I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

“500 dollars” the man says.

“Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

“Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

A year later the man walks into the bar again.

This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

The letter ‘f’.

A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.

When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”

That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.

She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”

The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”

I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”

I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”

Beaver and Woodchuck were chatting down at the local bar on a Friday evening.

Woodchuck was trying to be patient and get a word in, but Beaver kept going on and on about the pond where his family lived—how wide and deep it was, how much protection it provided, and so on.

After about an hour, Woodchuck had had enough and yelled out in frustration, “Could you please stop talking about your dammed river?!”

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: ….Denephew.

Wife: There are four men attacking my mother in the street! Aren’t you going to help!

Husband: Why? Four should be enough.

Four moles were crawling up a tunnel to the surface.

The 1st one said, “Ah! I can smell the flowers!”
The 2nd one said, “I can smell the fresh air!”
The 3rd one said, “I smell the dirt..”
The last one said, “I only smell molasses.”

A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”

They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.

When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”

The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”

An elderly Jewish man is walking down the street when he sudden slips and falls.

People rush to help him, with one passer by rolling up his own coat to cradle the elderly Jewish man’s head.

“Sir,” the man says. “We’re calling an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”

The elderly Jewish man gives a weak shrug and says: “Eh. I make a living.”

His lips are moving!

I walked up to the counter and said, “Yeah, I’ll take a Polish sausage.”

The guy behind the counter squints at me and asks, “Are you Polish?”

I’m immediately offended.

“What kind of question is that? If I ordered a bratwurst, would you assume I’m German? If I asked for a Belgian waffle, would that make me Belgian? Dumplings — Chinese? What exactly made you think I was Polish?”

He leans in, lowers his voice, and says,

“Sir… this is a hardware store.”

An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

“It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

“Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”

She told me, “This is the biggest dick I’ve ever come across.”

I said, “No, you are just pulling my leg.”

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”

So a woman calls her husband at work and asks, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your back, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
He says, “God, no.”

And she says, “Um… how about now?”

A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”

The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”

The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”

The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”

The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”

The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”

The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.

Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”

Two dumb guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking himself
The one dumb guy goes, “I wish I could do that”

And the other dumb guy goes, “Maybe if you tried petting him first”