Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.
The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”
The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”
He was so blonde that…
– he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
– he thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
– if you gave him a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back
– under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics”
– it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– he studied for a blood test – and failed
– he thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– he sold the car for gas money
– when he saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), he went home and got 16 friends
– he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
– when he was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, he turned around and went home
The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
17. The Leggo Movie: Emmett’s new career has him tackling the adventurous world of frozen waffles.
16. Ei8ht: John Doe has escaped from jail and this Christmas will embody ALL the deadly sins unless Detectives Mills and Somerset can stop him before he murders Santa’s reindeer.
15. Three Angry Alternates: Tempers rise after Jack, Bill and Ted are told that since they were not seated on the jury, they won’t be paid.
14. Finding Bevo: The beloved University of Texas Longhorn Mascot vanishes at the stadium while his handlers are doing Jell-O shots.
13. Aunt-Man: Paul Rudd becomes a superhero for the second time when he’s bitten by his mom’s radioactive sister.
12. Bridget Jones’s Colonoscopy: For those who can’t get enough of Renee Zellweger, this oughtta do it.
11. Anti-Gravity: With the 2016 presidential election spinning out of control, Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) frantically tries to escape back into space.
10. Every Which Way But Loose Change: Clint Eastwood investigates 9/11 with the help of an empty chair and a monkey.
9. Jaws 5: A large man-eating shark water skis over a pool of sharks.
8. Groundhog Dayja Vu: Now that he’s been married a while, weatherman Phil Connors is horrified when day after day, he wakes up every morning to find the same woman in his bed.
7. Given: Liam Neeson gives exactly zero shits when kidnappers tell him they have his former mother-in-law, but he’s still totally badass about it.
6. The Avatar 3: Blue Man Group: Three Na’vi move to Earth, where the atmosphere renders them mute and they’re forced to earn a living as mimes.
5. Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue: During election season, a scandal-plagued woman is locked in a TV studio for 90 minutes with an orange-skinned madman as they struggle for control of a mansion in Washington.
4. Leonard Part 7: Prominent women are mysteriously falling into comas and private dick Bill Cosby is on the case.
3. The Waterboard Boy: After being mistaken for a terrorist, Adam Sandler is sent to Guantanamo Bay and brutally tortured to the delight of audiences everywhere.
2. Lawrence of Arabica: While writing his screenplay at Starbucks, Larry falls asleep at his typewriter and dreams he’s on an adventure in the Arabian Desert, only to be awakened by a rude barista telling him his snoring is annoying.
And the Number One Idea for a Movie Sequel…
1. Sully 2: Payback on the Hudson: Geese seek revenge against the cowardly pilot who brutally attacked their flock with his flying death machine.
