I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.
Joke Type: absurdist
Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered
15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.
14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.
13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.
12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.
11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.
10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.
9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.
8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!
7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.
6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?
5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.
4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.
3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.
2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”
1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.
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Family of Four
I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four
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Quit Weed Thought I Was Deaf
What made you quit weed?
Replying to @Fifimacov
I watched the whole movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf
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Death by Unga Bunga
Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.
“You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.
The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.
The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.
The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”
Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.
The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.
“Death,” the explorer replies.
The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”
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Three Tough Rats
Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.
The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”
The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”
The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.
The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”
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Nana Recognizes You
When you’re having the best sex of your life but then Nana starts to recognize you again
@Supersaw
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The Butt Kicking Contest
Two guys decide to have a butt kicking contest.
The first guy takes a long run, hauls off, and kicks the other guy so hard he goes flying ten feet.
The second guy lies there for a minute, gasping in pain, then pulls himself together, stands up, and says, “My turn.”
The first guy says, “Never mind, you win.”
