Growing up, my mom would never hit me or my brother.
When I asked her why, she said, “Because your dad was better at it.”
Joke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Dave’s Haircut and the Pope
Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”
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The Old Man at the Red Light District
An old man was visiting a red light area.
There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.
The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.
Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.
When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”
The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”
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Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
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The Radar Detector and the Tail Light
A man is tired of getting speeding tickets, so he buys a radar detector.
He’s speeding down the highway and suddenly the patrol car pulls up behind him and pulls him over. Detector never went off.
Pissed, he realizes maybe he should have bought a better one. He spends a bit more money and gets one that claims to have superior radar detection technology. It costs more, but if it saves him a ticket, it’s worth it.
Sure enough, within a week, he’s on the highway and the blue and red lights come on. Another ticket.
He can’t afford another point on his license, so he goes out and buys the most expensive, most highly rated radar detector he can find.
Within days the police show up behind him again. He’s furious. He pulls the detector out of the dash, gets out of the car and smashes it to bits on the ground, and is jumping up and down on the pieces. He sees the officer, standing and watching him.
“WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY DON’T THESE POS DETECTORS WORK?”
Officer says, “Just wanted to let you know your left tail light is out.”
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Grandpa in the Hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
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The Search Party and the Well
Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.
The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.
Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.
This time was different.
A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.
In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.
So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.
A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.
After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.
He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.
He could see nothing.
“Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.
He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.
“I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”
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The Bank Robbery and the Triplets
So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.
She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.
A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”
The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.
A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”
“You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”
“No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
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The Adult Toy Shop and the Checkered Thermos
The owner of an adult toy shop was training his new employee on the rules, how things worked, and the price list of their products.
“The only items without price tags are the dildos kept behind the cashier counter.
The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.
Everything else in the store already has the price marked on it.
Now, I’m heading out for a bit to take care of something important. I’ll be back in about an hour or two.”
Business went smoothly for an hour, until finally a customer asked about the items kept behind the counter.
“How much are those toys?”
“The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.”
“Oh, those are nice! How much is that one with the checkered pattern?”
Thinking quickly on his feet, the employee replied, “That one is $200.”
“SOLD! I’ll take it!”
An hour later, the owner returned and asked how business had been while he was gone.
“It was booming, Boss! I managed to sell five of the white ones and ten of the black ones. And I also got $200 for that checkered thermos of yours you had sitting back there!”
