Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Safari and the Mother-in-Law

    Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.

    Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.

    Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.

    Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.

    The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.

    “What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.

    “Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”

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  • A Frayed Knot

    A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve strings.”

    The string is annoyed and leaves the bar. Maybe he misheard? He walks back in and orders a drink. “Didn’t you hear? We don’t serve strings!”

    Mad as hell, the string walks outside and throws himself angrily on the floor, swaying in every direction and dragging himself around.

    He walks back into the bar, where the bartender looks at him, dubious…

    “Hey, are you a string?”

    “No, I’m a frayed knot!”

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  • How Many Bars Do You Work At

    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’ve had too much already.”

    The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can’t serve you.”

    The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.

    The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, “I told you, you’re cut off! Get out!”

    The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!”

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  • Two Dead Dogs

    Last week, my girlfriend’s dog died. So to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. She was livid.

    Yelled at me, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

  • Failed Sex Ed

    Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…

    Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”

  • The 30th Anniversary Dinner

    A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.

    The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, “Who the fuck was that?!”

    The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, “Relax, honey. That’s my mistress.”

    “Mistress?!” the wife shrieks. “That is it! I want a divorce, I’m taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!”

    The husband shrugs. “Fine, if that’s what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours.”

    Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.

    The wife narrows her eyes and asks, “Isn’t that Richard over there? Who is he with?”

    The husband nods. “Oh, that’s his mistress.”

    The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, “Well… I must say, ours is much prettier.”

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  • The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had

    After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

    Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”

    And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”

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  • Next Door Neighbor

    My next-door neighbor came over wearing a see-through negligee. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar.

    Then winked at me and asked to come in for some hot coffee.

    I said, “Fuck off, Dave.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Word Fascinate

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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