Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Produce Boy From Canada

    A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.

    Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

    “I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.

    “Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.

    The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

    “Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”

    The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”

  • Marge and Mildred at the Wheel

    After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.

    Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”

    A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!

    She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”

    Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”

  • Billy Ray and Bubba at the Bar

    Billy Ray and Bubba walked into a bar and ordered a couple of drinks. Then they took sandwiches from paper bags they had brought from home and began to eat.

    Seeing this, the angry bar owner approached them and says, “Excuse me, you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    Billy Ray and Bubba looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

  • Adam and the Cost of a Mate

    After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

    God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

    Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”

  • The Genie and the Two Wishes

    A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

    The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”

    The genie says, “Check your pants.”

    The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”

    And the genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

  • The Five Penguins in the Back Seat

    Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.

    Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

    “I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

    A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

    “What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

    “We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

  • The Twenty-Dollar Tomatoes

    A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”

    The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”

    The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”

    The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”

    The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”

  • The Woman and the Discharge

    A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m getting too much discharge.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor said, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.”

    He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.

    “How does that feel?” he asked.

    “Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”

  • The Detective Training Test

    A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives…

    To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy,” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • Sally and the Obstetrician

    Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

    “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

    “No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”