Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Polish Sausage at Home Depot

    A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

    The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

    The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

    The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

    The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

    The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

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  • The Priest, the Nun, and the Golf Game

    A priest and a nun are playing golf when the priest badly misses his shot, leaving himself blocked by trees and in deep rough.

    Frustrated, the priest grumbles, “Fuck I missed.”

    The nun, taken aback, says to the priest, “Father, you are a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t speak that way.”

    Annoyed, the priest brushes off the nun and tries to recover with his next shot rather than punching the ball back into the fairway. He takes a big swing, makes great contact, and almost succeeds with the high-risk shot, but winds up short and deeply embedded in the sand trap. Immediately, he exclaims even louder, “Fuck I missed!”

    This time the nun isn’t having it, so she turns to him and says, “Father, if you continue to speak like that, may God strike you down!”

    The priest brushes it off again with a “Yeah, sure, whatever,” and proceeds to try to blast the ball out of the sand trap but barely moves it a few inches, this time shouting, “Fuck I missed!”

    Almost immediately the sky darkens and clouds roll in. A low rumble builds and a thick bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky, vaporizing the nun right where she stands!

    Then a deep voice from the clouds exclaims, “FUCK… I missed!”

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  • The Anniversary Gift in the Driveway

    A wife was furious because her husband forgot their wedding anniversary.

    She crossed her arms and yelled, “Tomorrow morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under five seconds!”

    The husband said nothing.

    The next morning, the wife walked outside and found a small wrapped box sitting in the driveway.

    Confused, she opened it.

    Inside was a brand-new bathroom scale.

    According to hospital staff, the husband is expected to make a full recovery.

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  • The Talking Cow and the Carburetor

    There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.

    All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”

    The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”

    The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”

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  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

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  • Yall Like My Pedicure

    Yall Like My Pedicure

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • Nana Batman

    Nana Batman

  • The Medicare Motel

    Old Man: “Doc, we’d like you to watch us… you know… and let us know if we’re doing it right.”

    The doctor was puzzled but agreed. When they finished, the doctor was impressed. “Everything looks perfectly fine—in fact, very impressive for people your age!” He charged them a $50 consultation fee.

    This went on for months. They’d routinely book an appointment, do their thing, pay the doctor, and leave.

    Finally, unable to hold back his curiosity, the doctor asked, “Exactly what kind of sexual dysfunction are you two trying to consult me about?”

    The old man smiled widely and replied: “Oh, we don’t have any issues, Doc. She’s married, so we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine. A three-star hotel costs $90, a five-star is $120… but here it’s only $50, and I get $43 of it back from Medicare!”

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  • The Spies and the Firing Squad

    A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis…

    Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts

    “Hurricane!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape

    Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts

    “Typhoon!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape

    The Nazis return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts

    “Fire!”

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