Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • She’s Left-Handed

    A wife asks her husband, a true golf nut, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

    He ponders for a moment, then says, “After a proper grieving period, yes, I suppose I would. Companionship is a good thing.”

    “If I died and you remarried,” the wife next asks, “would she then live in this house?”

    He pauses to collect his thoughts, and then says, “Well, we’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house to our exact liking. So yes, I think she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife continues, “would she also sleep in our bed?”

    Not exactly sure where his wife is going with all of this, he offers, “Well, the bed is nearly new and should last for many more years. Yes, I’m sure she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,” the wife probes further, “would she use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, no,” the husband replies, far too quickly. “She’s left-handed.”

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  • Golf Balls on the Bus

    A man got on the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde woman.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many glances from her, he looks at her and says, “It’s golf balls.”

    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

    Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she empathetically asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

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  • The Cyanide Prescription

    A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”

    The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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  • Ed and Nancy and the Golf Confession

    Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise, and from the moment Ed saw her, he was absolutely captivated. They spent the days dancing under the stars, sharing long conversations by the deck rail, and laughing over fancy cocktails.

    When they returned home and realized they lived just a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. Without hesitation, he began asking her out.

    In the weeks that followed, Ed took Nancy to dance clubs, candlelit dinners, concerts, movies, and museums. Every date was better than the last, and with each passing moment, Ed grew more certain—Nancy was the one.

    To celebrate the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed planned something special: a romantic evening at an elegant restaurant.

    As they sipped their cocktails, waiting for their salads, Ed took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and cleared his throat.

    “Nancy,” he began, his eyes warm with sincerity, “I think you can tell—I’m completely in love with you. But before we take the next step, I need to be upfront about something.”

    Nancy leaned in, intrigued.

    Ed continued, “Before I reach into my jacket for a certain little box and ask you a life-changing question, there’s something you should know. I’m a golf fanatic. I play, I read about it, I watch it on TV—I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s a deal-breaker, now’s the time to tell me.”

    Nancy took a slow sip of her drink, set it down, and smiled. “Ed, that won’t be a problem at all. I love you just the way you are, and I love golf too!”

    She paused, then added, “But since we’re being completely honest… I should tell you that for the last five years, I’ve been a hooker.”

    Ed blinked. His mind raced. Then, after a brief pause, he leaned in with a knowing grin and said,

    “Well, that’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you swing.”

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  • The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp

    A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

    The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

    The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”

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  • The Amish Family and the Elevator

    An Amish husband, wife, and son travel to the city on vacation.

    While the mother shops, the father and son stand in awe in front of an elevator, having no idea what it is.

    As they watch, an elderly woman slowly walks into the strange silver doors. The doors close, and the father and son watch the numbers light up as the elevator rises… then pauses, and comes back down.

    A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out.

    The son stares in amazement and asks, “Dad… what just happened?”

    The father leans over and whispers, “I’m not sure, son… but quick, go get your mother!”

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  • The Worst Lover in the World

    A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow following sex.

    The woman says, “You must be the worst lover in the world.”

    The man defensively replies, “Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?”

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  • The Grocery Store Con

    I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and I ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

    The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

    Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

    I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

    She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

    Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

    A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

    So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

    She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

    A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

    Then it was my turn.

    The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

    Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

    I nearly had a heart attack.

    I said, “WHAT? For this?”

    The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”

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  • Left Another Accordion

    I left my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car

    and left another accordion.

  • The Little Bugger and the Condoms

    Neil was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Neil?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “It’s my four year old son…” Neil replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “I only wish it was that,” said Neil, “but it’s far worse than that. The little toad has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

    “It’s not,” said Neil. “The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

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