I was in a good mood till I started petting a duckling in the park.
Then I started feeling a little down.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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She Never Listened to Me
I had to break up with my deaf girlfriend.
She never listened to me.
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The Man Who Cracked Walnuts with His Penis
A traveling circus came to town, and a man decided to go see it. There were animals, clowns, jugglers — lots of impressive acts. But the most impressive performer was a man who could crack walnuts with his penis.
Twenty-five years later, the same circus returned. Curious, the man went back to see if that performer was still around.
Sure enough, there he was. Same act, but this time he was smashing coconuts instead of walnuts.
After the show, the man went backstage and said, “I remember you from 25 years ago. Back then you were cracking walnuts with your penis. Why did you switch to coconuts?”
The performer sighed and replied, “I’m getting old… My eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
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Hair Remover for the Schnauzer
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”
Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”
“Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.
The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”
The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”
And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”
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The Dress in Church and on the Subway
A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”
The next week the guy comes in and his eye has mostly healed, but the other one is bruised. They ask what happened and he says,
“Well, I was on the subway, and the same lady, wearing the same dress, was standing in front of me…”
“You didn’t learn your lesson from the last time?” they ask.
He says, “No, check it out: the guy next to me was also looking at her butt, and sure enough, I saw him reach forward and tug on the dress, and it was no longer bunched into her butt…”
“But I knew she didn’t like that, so with my pointing finger, I quickly pushed it back in. I guess she didn’t like that either, because she punched me.”
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The First Few Days Were the Hardest
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
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Look Back and Laugh
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
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Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit
Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.
He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.
The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”
Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.
After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”
“I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”
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Funny That You Ask
A prostitute approaches a guy. “Hey babe, do you want to have sex for $400?”
Guy: “Funny that you ask, I could use that money very well.”
