Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
An elderly husband asks his wife if she remembers the first time they had sex behind the village tavern. They return to the fence, and a policeman secretly follows them.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. They erupt into furious sex against the fence, then collapse afterward.
The amazed policeman asks their secret.
The old man replies, “Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”
A cowboy is walking down Main Street in nothing but his boots and hat. A sheriff stops him and asks why he is walking down the street naked.
The cowboy explains that after he and Sally took off their clothes, she laid down and hollered, “Go to town, cowboy!”
“So here I am.”
A married man starts a new job that makes him work late hours. Every night, he comes home ready to have sex with his wife, who is usually asleep.
He says, “We need a code so you can let me know when you’re in the mood. I’ll wake you up with my erection in your hand. If you’re in the mood, stroke it two times.”
His wife asks, “Okay, but what if I’m not in the mood?”
He says, “You’ll stroke it 200 times!”
A couple was going through some tough times and decided to try prostitution to make ends meet. After the first night, the wife came home after a long night and put $50.25 on the table.
The husband commented that it was a decent start and asked who paid with a quarter.
She replied, “Everyone.”
A couple decides to try prostitution to make ends meet. Harry tells his wife to stand outside a bar, charge a hundred bucks, and ask him if she has questions.
A guy offers thirty. Harry says he can get a handjob for that.
She gets in the car, sees his HUGE… and says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child when a policeman pulls him over on suspicion of being drunk. The breathalyzer shows he is drunk.
The man insists it is broken and asks the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Then he asks the policeman to test his child.
When the child registers drunk as well, the policeman shrugs and sends them on their way.
Out of earshot, the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.”
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
She explained that it kept her cigarette dry.
The next day, the other lady went to the drugstore and asked for a box of condoms. The pharmacist asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn’t matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel.”
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her. Afterward, he sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
Three dogs are at the vet. Two explain they attacked the mailman and milkman, so they are getting their nuts cut.
The third dog says he jumped on the master’s wife when she bent over and tore her ass up.
The others ask, “Damn, you getting your nuts cut too?”
The third dog replies, “No, just my nails done.”
