Joke Type: observational

Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Detailed Deductions

    The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks and related deductions. What could be more fitting in this “tax time” time of year, when we tend to focus on such matters most?

    Example:

    Gross pay = $1,222.02
    Income tax = $244.40
    Outcome tax = $45.21
    State tax = $11.61
    Interstate tax = $61.10
    County tax = $6.11
    City tax = $12.22
    Rural tax = $4.44
    Back tax = $1.11
    Front tax = $1.16
    Side tax = $1.61
    Up tax = $2.22
    Tic-tacs = $1.98
    Thumbtacks = $3.93
    Carpet tacks = $0.98
    Stadium tax = $0.69
    Flat tax = $8.32
    Surtax = $3.46
    Corporate tax = $2.60
    Parking fee = $5.00
    FICA = $81.88
    TGIF fund = $9.95
    Life insurance = $5.85
    Health insurance = $16.23
    Dental insurance = $4.50
    Mental insurance = $4.33
    Reassurance = $0.11
    Disability = $2.50
    Ability = $0.25
    Liability = $3.41
    Unreliability = $10.99
    Coffee = $6.85
    Coffee cups = $66.51
    Floor rental = $6.85
    Chair rental = $0.32
    Desk rental = $4.32
    Union dues = $5.85
    Union don’ts = $3.77
    Cash advance = $0.69
    Cash retreats = $121.35
    Overtime = $1.26
    Undertime = $54.83
    Eastern time = $9.00
    Central time = $8.00
    Mountain time = $7.00
    Pacific time = $6.00
    Oxygen = $10.02
    Water = $16.54
    Heat = $51.42
    Cool air = $26.83
    Hot air = $20.00
    Miscellaneous = $113.29
    Various = $8.01

    Net Pay = $0.12

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

    We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should go to Helen Waite. Have a nice week.

    —The Boss

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  • Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

    10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.

    9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.

    8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

    7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

    6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

    5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

    4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.

    3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

    2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

    1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

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  • You Gotta Fax Your Ass to Corporate

    This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker.

    Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of us guys kept the card in our back pocket and just pressed our ass against the pad to unlock the door.

    A temporary worker was hired and we were surprised (and happy) to find that it was a young woman. Her first few days went by and one of us always happened to be nearby when she wanted in. I walked up one day and caught her rubbing her ass against the door pad — which didn’t unlock the door, since she didn’t have a card.

    As I pressed my butt against the pad to let us both in, I told her, “You gotta fax your ass to corporate before you can get in this way.”

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  • Consequences of Anal Sex

    Consequences of Anal Sex

    “I warned you about the consequences of all that anal sex in the 60s!”

  • Laid Off the Rower

    The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

    Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

    The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

    So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

    The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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  • I Need to Talk to Someone Who Knows Something

    Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

    “I’m the president,” I replied.

    There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

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  • A Real State

    A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.

    The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

    She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”

    A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

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  • Five Blank Copies

    Several years ago there was an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

    “Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

    With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

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  • Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

    Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

    Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!

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