My favorite part of high school graduation parties is telling the young person that I hid a $100 bill somewhere in the cake, then watching him destroy his own celebration only to learn I was lying. Kids nowadays need to learn these harsh lessons early.
Joke Type: observational
Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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When my kid does something wrong, I ground him.
When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
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The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that
The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that I now have to re-adjust to helping my wife clean re-liquidated nutrition delivery systems and change infant waste-product receptacle solutions.
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Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet.
Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet. After special classes and several doctor visits, I was diagnosed with ABCDADHD.
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I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport.
I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport. I don’t even mind that the kid was way too old to still be breast fed. What set me off was her letting the airline employees watch, then them upgrading her to first class.
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My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.”
My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.” As I stand chained in this Turkish prison, I’m thinking Dad might’ve been a tad wrong on this one.
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There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy.
There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy. I yelled out the window to him to at least have the decency to get back into his car.
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My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked
My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked hard to change that. Now, when I see a shared casserole in the break room with a hair sticking out of it, I say, “Hey, free floss!”
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It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it
It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it up with really salty popcorn for an hour or two before.
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My dad is fond of writing on containers of “his” leftovers, “Do not TOUCH or EAT, under
My dad is fond of writing on containers of “his” leftovers, “Do not TOUCH or EAT, under penalty of DEATH or DISMEMBERMENT, and not necessarily IN THAT ORDER!!!” I find that deliciously ironic when we’ve ordered a bucket of fried chicken.
