Do you know why people call me “The Computer”?
I fall asleep if left unattended for 5 minutes.
Joke Type: one-liner
One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Alive With the Sound of Muzak
Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.
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Firing My Slingshot at Target
The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!
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Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
“I was working smarter – not harder.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
“I’m in the management training program.”
“I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
“Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.” -
I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
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Engineer Humor
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. -
Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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Never Misses a Period
What quality does the best secretary in the world have?
She never misses a period.
